Yours truly has officially quit smoking effective this past monday. (Unofficially there have been a few lapses, but we won’t speak of such things).
This of course means that this update serves as official notice to tiptoe around said nicotine-widthdrawl suffering individual, for he could explode at any moment, for any absurd reason.
Do not engage in any activity that could set him off in a primal rage of terror and mayhem. Such dangerous activities to be avoided should include, but not be limited to:
– Saying things such as “Hey, wanna smoke man?”, in total disregard of the sign around his neck that reads “Do not feed the animals nicotine.” Fear not, for he shall not turn into one of those reformed smokers who runs around spouting off about how bad you are if you light up within 50 feet of his nostrils. Your lungs, your life, you do as you wish. Hell, he may even stand close by in a feeble attempt to pick up some small manner of ‘secondhand buzz’ when you do light up. But really, would you run around the methodone clinic handing out little crack vials? No? I didn’t think so. Smoke all you want, blow some my way, but don’t stuff packs of cigarettes in my Christmas Stocking… no really, don’t. Marlboro Lights, Box…. no.. don’t. See? See the problem this creates?
– Making fun of the fact that a grown man is walking around the office with a lollipop in his mouth all day… I’m bettering myself, for myself. Screw you and your observations that grown men should not find such enjoyment from ‘Blow Pops’. k?
– Offering nicotine-laced suggestions such as patches, gum, etc. If he wanted nicotine, he’d have a DAMN SMOKE, thank you very much. The actual act of smoking was something I happened to enjoy, but that must come to end for obvious medical and getting people off my ass reasons. The point here is to break the habit and get away… not replace nicotine addition of one form with nicotine addiction of another less enjoyable form. I mean really, nicotine GUM, how much fun can that be?
– Saying things such as “You’ll feel better later, you know?”.. the hell with later, we want glorious, instantanious satisfaction; the type that can only be obtained through the sweet sweet feeling of warm nicotine filled smoke coursing through ones cilia. But alas, it shall not be.
– Being an ass or hassle in such a manner as to attempt to drive one to smoke. You know, creators of tension, drama, stress, etc? Ya’ll can go get bent. We ain’t having none of that here this evening ‘child. Old method: Get stressed from others, have smoke, thus killing self in the long run. New method: Get stressed from others, kill them instead, immediately. Lovely plan, no?
Really, the best thing you can do in a situation where someone’s trying to quit? Just leave us the hell alone. We’re working it out… if we want/need help, we’ll ask for it… Sometimes just mentioning the whole thing (“Hey man, hows that not smoking thing going?”) is grounds for a slappin, cause lets face it, you just made me think about what it is that I’m missing. Sure I think about it everytime a craving hits, and that’s damn often enough, but the last thing I need is yet another reminder that I’m missing that sweet sweet nicotine.. especially since you’ve probably asked at what would have been the single solitary moment today that I wouldn’t have contemplated going out and picking up a pack.
So how’s it going you ask? It’s going. Let’s just leave it at that, k?