So I’m sitting here, watching yet another birthday slowly creep up towards me, pondering life, the universe and everything, and of course, my insignificant role within it all.
It’s becoming something of a yearly birthday tradition for me it seems, even though I never really thought about it before like that, just seems that somehow my thoughts around this time of year end up slowly twisting their way around until they come to focus on, well, me. No, dont get me wrong, it’s not a self-centered, materialistic me thing, not like “oh I wonder what wonderous gifts I will get this year!” or even a apprehensive me thing, like “Dear god, look at all this grey hair, I am fucking old”. No, it’s neither of those, and it’s definately not an “another year older” funk type thing, and not a bad thing at all really, I just tend to get a little introspective when I know March 1st is rolling up on me I guess.
A “what did I do with myself this year that made it worth having?” type thing. Maybe a “where was I a year ago, and why am I better off where I am today” thing… A “what changes have there been, for better or worse, to me, over the last year” thing…. and the last couple of years, I’ve noticed something…. I find myself not so much doing the “Ways this year as made me better” thing, versus a more general “28 years, and look what I’ve done and learned” thing. Seems the year to year changes are smaller, harder to notice… maybe I’m getting settled in my ways…
~shudder~ That frightened me at first. I’m not stupid, I know my own mental frame of mind. I know that generally, I’m a lazy bastard. If it aint broke, dont fix it, and all that, right? The downside of this of course is, someone might get the impression that I’m boring, or just not… motivated. And I know what the research, the surveys, and the physcologists would tend to say, that in general, settled, married guys are less likely to be motiviated, less ambitious, and therefore, less likely to be successful in :insert endevour here: then their single male counterparts. (Something to do with the single guys striving to be “better” because they are out trying to attract the ladies, whereas the married guys already have their mate and therefore need not such baubles… it was a strictly animalistic type thing if I remember right).. A human response type thing; like the old stereotype about the girl who gets married, pops out a kid or six, inhales bon-bons like their water, and gains 400 pounds… she’s got her mate, shes had her kids, she dont neeeeed to be thin and sexy no more… (Or so the logic of the stereotype goes)
So anyway, I’ve been pondering in the back of my head (while battling war with some tough bug that seems to have taken hold of my body the last week or so) exactly whats going on with me. Am I really just finding myself in some sort of marriage induced ambition-coma, is my life just truly so great that I feel no need for change, or is something else going on? Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? Something I need to correct, or am I cool with it?
So that’s what I’ve been dwelling on, and I’ve come to a couple of conclusions:
1) I’m a lazy fuck in general. This has been the case pretty much since that day (almost) 28 years ago that I was born onto this world. When I was little, me and some friends had the idea to build this fort type thing way off on the outskirts of civilization where we kids could hang and be left alone by the adults of the world (granted, they all knew where we were.. most of the time… but it was our place)… While I had a great eye for picking out the things from the nearby junkyard that we could *ahem*, borrow, that would work great for said construction job, when it actually came time for the building and work of the job, I was often to be found directing things from the sidelines, talking with the ladies or whatever. Hey, I had vision dammit, only I knew exactly how it was looked in my head, so someone had to supervise, why not me? Besides, even though I had absolutely no real interest in the girls at this time, I knew they smelled nicer then the guys who had spent all morning helping me, ahem, borrow, our building materials from the scrapyard… Oh hell, lets just face it, talking and directing sounded better then lifting and hammering.. I was lazy. This fact has never varied based on my then current state of happiness, relationship status, income, or any other factor that I can pin down. I was just as lazy with no love interest in my scopes as I was trying to juggle two of them at once. granted, I was busier when I was trying to juggle two of them, but I was definately not any less lazy.. I simply didnt have a choice in the matter. Maintaining a single relationship requires one to action. Juggling multiple ones requires said action x 2, plus the additional sleight of hand,etc required to keep both balls in the air.
2) Less change over the last few years is quite simply, the result of me being happier with my life. The general basics are in place, so there just arent any really big changes left that I need to make. It’s kind like this… Life is like a dog on a leash. If the dog is behaving, he may not even know the leash is really there, you just go. If however the dog is all over the place, your constantly yanking him back, forward, along, and so on, trying to get them where your trying to go. Years ago my life was a starved rabid pit bill who had been trained to kill being lead on a chain through a room full of cats, every five seconds I was having to jerk and coax the beast along in the direction I wanted. Somewhere along the line I managed to get lucky, dump the rabid pit bull on someone else’s life, and find myself leading along a beautiful well trained show dog who 99% of time, knows the routine perfectly, and needs only slight nudges here and there to keep life skimming long wonderfully. (* Afterthought note below)
3) I dwell too damn much.
So anyway, what I realized is that yes, from year to year, there are less noticable things on my “what I’ve done/accomplished this year” list. This is not nessicarily because I havent done *anything*, just that the things I have done and learned are not the landmark life altering type of things that immediately spring to mind. My life is, for the most part, right where I want it. On a personal level I have found that someone who I intend to share my life with. As far as I’m concerned, thats the only thing that I care about. Everything else in life is just, to me, minor details. Careerwise I may not be 100% fulfilled and happy, but lets face it, that isnt going to happen until I find someone willing to pay me big bucks to sleep until 2pm, and do what I want the other 12 hours of the day. (See above, re: lazy). Things like where we live geographically, how much I make, what car I’m driving around in, how much bling is on each finger, is the pool above ground or in ground, is the hot tub round or square… these are things that quite honestly, arent big issues to me really. To go back to the analogy, I’m stilling walking the dog of life around on a leash, but now my other hand is wrapped in someone elses hand. I’m still going to nudge the pup along if he gets rowdy, but lets be honest, I’m paying attention elsewhere.
Sure, there are still little things that crop up, either external decisions to be made together, or internal things I realize I need to correct within myself (another topic for another day perhaps), but the more time I get to enjoy with my love, the more I think about her, and us, the more we do together , the more I realize, the rest of it? Not really that important when you think about it.
So what big things have I accomplished in the last year? Not a damn thing really. I’ve just enjoyed the life I’m already blessed with, which is nice, in a laid back, watching others scramble and work their ass off trying to finish building their own Fort while I’m kicked back on the sundeck of mine watching from the shade sipping on a Jack and Coke kind of way. 😉
[Afterthought: After I wrote all this, I realized, the dog analogy could be taken more then one way so just to clarify… The ‘dog’ in the analogy was my life, *not* anyone(s) in said life. although a previous ex-girlfriend could (should?) possibly be described as a starved rabid pit bull who needed to be jerked everywhere, in no way shape or form am I trying to say that the love of my life is a dog (even the Samoyed, a doggie I absolutely love and think are beautiful animals), or that she has been or needs to be trained, or led on a leash anywhere. Unless of course she’s into that kind of play and I just havent caught on yet, in which case, we could probably find a usable collar somewhere packed away in the closet… erm.. I mean… nevermind.. lets just forget the entire led on a leash analogy, the more I think about it, the more distracted, erm, confused I get. lets just forget it…]