“It is a shame you can not learn other peoples lessons for them.”
– My Horoscope for today, courtesy the local paper
Not really sure I would want to be responsible for learning other peoples’ lessons for them, since sometimes it appears I have enough trouble learning my own lessons, regardless of how many times I’ve been there, done that. Been spending the last few days in something of a funk, rolling some things over in my mind, pondering the infinite choices, decisions, twists, and turns that make up our lives. Generally letting my mind run rampant on it’s own, which is something that always seems to get me in trouble, and I should know better then to do this, you’d think I’d learn.
See I have this problem, I’m generally an optimist about almost everything in life (“Have a doctor look at it, but I’m sure a growing lump in your nutsack is perfectly normal this time of year…”), but when the topic of thought turns towards myself, I tend to be the consumate pessimist… always paranoid, worried, and always waiting for the other shoe to drop in some form, well, wait, that statements not entirely correct, I’m not “always” paranoid, etc; in fact I’d say 99% of days I’m completely blissfully happy and totally ignorant of anything and everything around me, including my self-percieved deficiencies. It’s when something happens, or is said, or just comes along to bite me in the ass egotistically speaking for no reason at all, that I stop, look around, twitch a couple of seconds, foam gently at the mouth, and I go into something of a mood I’m naming, as of this moment, “Overly Senstive and Paranoid Whiney Bitch Mode”…
OSPWB is not a fun time for me. Once it rears it’s ugly head, it can take me anywhere from a few hours to a couple of days to get my head back on straight and not freak the fuck out over something mundane and normal that I’m entirely taking the wrong way or blowing out of proportion. Conspiracies lurk in every shadow, evil monsters live in my closet, and aliens no doubt are camped out in my shed waiting for me to venture deep enough into the back-yard that they can freely abduct me and anally probe me until the (mutilated) cows come home.
Little things that are so insignificant that they should not even be noticed, let alone matter, will be blown up into huge statements of “fact”, backed up by comparison to other past “facts”, and then presented to my concious as “the way it is”. Regardless of the fact that my rational mind knows these things to all be just my OSPWB demon having a little fun with me, they persist until the mood passes.
For instance, lets say I haven’t seen my adorable little snuggly-bunny wife all day long, she comes home, crashes, and I neglect to get a nice passionate kiss along the way… there’s two ways this small detail could be interpeted:
Sane Man Thinks: Nothing. The lack of a kiss totally escapes Sane Man, as sane man is busy watching Stargate SG1 on TV and doesn’t even realize she had came home and went to bed. Sane man crawls into bed about an hour after her, notices her cute little nekkid ass sleeping under the covers, massages it for a moment while lamenting over the fact that their schedule today made it impossible to spend more time doing these types of nice little things, and then makes a mental note to fully seduce her at the next available opportunity in their schedules.
OSPWB Man Thinks: Fact: “She never even gave me a kiss today. I haven’t seen her all day long, and then nothing.” Past Fact: “Used to be, she couldn’t stand us being apart, and when we were, she’d practically rape me with kisses apon coming home.” The Way It Is: “Our relationship is old and busted, as opposed to the new hotness. And so obviously she’s colluding with those damn aliens from the shed and now she’s hiding it from me, I KNEW IT. I will NOT be anally probed by aliens damn you! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL”. OSPWB Man then sleeps in the downstairs closet, with one eye open all night, his trusty Louiseville slugger cradled in his arms, just… incase.
See? A complete lapse of sanity evolves out from the most benign of beginnings. What can trigger a bout of OSPWB? It could be anything. It could be nothing. Who knows. It doesn’t matter. It was probably something stupid, and the original issue itself was most likely quickly resolved and put to bed quietly and peacefully, but the OSPWB continues on, feeding into itself until at some point… it burns itself out and sanity returns.
So, how does one combat OSPWB? I’m not sure. If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t suffer from it, now would I? I could think shiny happy thoughts and refuse to allow any negative strays into my mind.. they would like that, wouldn’t they? Filthy little aliens and their phalic probes, they’d just love for me to never see it coming. Erm, I mean…
The trick of course, is two-fold:
a) Getting out of the OSPWB funk.
b) Not letting on to those around me that it’s even there, or at the very least, not letting it affect life.
Getting out of the funk is usually pretty easy as long as I’m dealing with it in a vacuum. A couple snuggles, some attention, a quick search and destory mission into the shed just to be sure, and the evil OSPWB demon gets bored, falls asleep and is quietly tucked into a corner somewhere and quickly forgotten. If by some chance the beast was awakened by someone else, or involved someone else along the way, then things can get trickier. Little things like a neighbor asking “Hey, whatchur wife working on a new hobby or sumthin? Saw her out in the shed for a couple of hours yesterday.” and things just propel on a little longer.
Disguising the situation from those around me is a little harder. I made the mistake of letting it pretty much ruin my first two real relationships. Granted, we’re talking about a teenage relationships, and those things are all so frail and beat to hell by circumstances that they never last *anyway*, but still, I screwed up when I let the OSPWB beast run rampant, and made the mistake of expressing pretty much every misguided and screwed up thought that passed through my head at the time. Let me be clear here guys: The ladies do *not* like it when you accuse them of being in cahots with alien perverts intent on rampaging your rectum with their probes. (Rampaging Rectums… I like it, a new one for my list of possible music band-names!)
Then of course I went in the opposite direction, when the beast would rear it’s head, I would totally and completely ignore it, or just internalize everything and not speak regarding what was going on in my head. The problem there was, the little skank I was shacked up with at the time *was* cohorting with the aliens. Thank god I finally pulled my head out of the sand long enough to see what was going on there. I walked out of that mess with my pride damanged, but atleast my anus was still intact, but the beast was gloating all the while…
So now I tend to try and take a more moderate approach. I won’t totally ignore the beast when he pops up, because when I try, he growls and throws out the fact that last time I ignored him, he was right… And to be honest, I’ve sort of found that for the most part, discussing the demon helps sometimes, at the very least it helps put some perspective on the issue… But never again will I let him get in the way too much, because, quiet honestly, I think he’s crazy most of the time.
And so, as I go forth into the New Year, I do so recognizing my flaws, admitting my occasional lunacy, and focusing on these four things:
1) Nobody is perfect. However my wife is pretty damn close. While she may occasionally say or do something that leads to a small scratch in my ego, she is not cohorting with aliens in the shed. Nor does she bare any psychological or behavioral traits with the skank who shall not be named. She may have her strange caveat or three, but in accepting the person, one must accept the whole person, caveats and all. And for whatever her reason, she loves me completely, and rather then question the Whys and the Hows of this great fortune set before me, I shall focus on enjoying it.
2) The beast in my mind is a caveat of my own personality, but that doesnt mean he gets complete control. While his memory for the most minute detail seems to be vast and his ability to find fault quick, he appears to skew both memory and fact when it suits his purpose.
3) There are no aliens in my shed. Spending time worrying about them will serve no purpose. If they are there, they will make themselves known, and at that time I will deal with them.. Killz them.. Killz them all I will. Chop them into little pieces and have alien stew for days if need be to dispose of the bodies. But wasting time and effort worrying about them does not serve any purpose other then driving me insane and possibly alerting them to the fact that I am onto them. Better to play dumb and wait for them to slip up somewhere along the line… they always do.
4) The actions, words, or desires of 3rd parties should be irrelavant to me in this regard, or atleast taken lightly. For the content of their words and deeds may often be swayed by their own agendas. These I must treat cautiously, as the only two people I can fully trust to have the best interests of us at heart are her, and myself. But I should not expend too much thought dwelling or attempting to deduce the agendas of others, sooner or later they will make their intentions known, and then decisions can be made, and if needed, stew served.
Well. All in all, what started as a quick little update to say “The New Year is coming!” has ballooned into something massive, but it’s all out of my system now atleast… this one definately goes under “Ramblings”…