Weekend Movie Rental Reviews…

This weekend there were two movies awaiting from the Netflix queue for our viewing pleasure. Recapping here in all their (ha) splendid glory, I give you:

Havok (2005, Unrated, Drama):

This was put into the queue in part based on something I heard/saw somewhere.. probably somebody talking about it on TV or something, who knows. All I know was, it was supposed to be good; “a wealthy Los Angeles teen who, along with her superficial friends, wants to break out of suburbia and experience Southern California’s “gansta” lifestyle. But problems arise when the preppies get in over their heads and provoke the wrath of a violent Latino gang. Suddenly, their role-playing seems a little too real.” Sounds like it should be good, right? Sex, Drugs, Gangs, maybe some more sex and drugs for good measure. Toss in that cute chick from Rosewell I used to like (Shiri Appleby) and this *should* have been decent, atleast for me.

Ugh. About 10 minutes into this one I was ready to bail. The whole “rich white boys (and girls, lets not be sexist) playing at being hardcore ganstas” thing got old in about the first 7 minutes. I held out hope that it would turn around and sex/drugs/etc would come later and this one worth the 86 minutes it would take to watch.. but it wasn’t. This movie could have had ten times the drugs and sex and it still wouldn’t have been worth watching. It had the plot line and character depth of say, a Rocco porn film.. but let’s face it, Bijou Phillips and Anne Hathaway boobs does not compare to Rocco’s dirty dirty sluts.

So Sayeth I: 1 star, barely. Unless you just bookmark the boob shots and skip the rest of the movie.. then maybe it’d be worth of 2 starts… barely.

Fantastic Four (2005, PG-13, Action/SciFi):

Alright, well, the second movie would redeem this netflix weekend, right? I mean, the arrogant sexist doctor from Nip/Tuck (Julian McMahon) cast as the villian Dr. Doom, and the always fuckable Jessica Alba prancing around in skintight blue super-hero costumes… toss in a couple other notables and the “who could mess this up” formula that is comic-book turned Hollywood movie… this is a no brainer, surely this will redeem my faith in my own Movie Queue….

~bzzzzzzt~ Sorry, no dice. Ohkay, ohkay, special effects = good, alba in skintight costume = good.. but besides that… nothing. My overall reaction at the end was more “Wha?” then anything else. Everytime I turned around there was some big question left unanswered. The big lovable bald Michael Chiklis comes home after being turned into the “twice as big, but not twice as lovable, yet still bald” Thing, only to have his loving wife (who we’ve been repeatedly told how wonderful she is).. she takes one look at him and runs away.. no dialog, no “oh baby, what happened!” or even a “Get away from me you big freak!”.. she just turns and leaves. Next thing we know, its (apparently) the next day, he’s on a bridge, and finds himself the center a big old traffic snarl… after saving the day, along comes the wife, still strangely dressed in the nightgown/robe she had on the night before (we assume somewhere else in the city, since I didn’t see a bridge anywhere near her place when he showed up there).. takes off her wedding ring, leaves it on the ground, and flees once more.

Now, really, what female in their right mind runs around a major metropolitan city wearing a silky nightgown and sheer robe? Let alone how does she happen to end up on the bridge at the same time as this whole traffic accident, IN SAID OUTFIT… and again, no words, no “I’m sorry, I know your twice as ~ahem~ huge as before and ~giggle~ hard as a rock, but I just can’t do this…”… she just drops the ring and rolls out, I suppose leaving our big rock of a man feeling sad and miserable. Beautiful thing is, not an hour later, after the universe (ok, well, the city) is saved and our superheros are rejoicing… our big bald rockbuilt friend is cavorting with some new chick he just met (who happens to be blind)…

No “boo hoo, my loving wife who everyone was dotting on at the start of the movie left me”, no “I loved her so much and she abandoned me just because I’m made of stone…” nothing.. just “Yo, a blind chick.. perfect. Lets get me some of that…”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the big rock man shouldn’t be out getting his… I’m just saying that it’s this whole “lets ignore entire aspects of our characters personalities and just throw them into whatever scene we think is called for” approach is what leaves every character in the movie about as deep and fulfilled as the puddle of rain water standing in my driveway this morning. You want us to feel for the characters, you want us to connect with them and feel “good” when they save the day? Then maybe next time make them more then one dimensional puppets on strings to your disjointed plot.

So sayeth I: 2 stars.. only cause dammit, the fantastic four was an awesome comic, and I can’t bring myself to give it less, even in this crappy form.

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