It’s all Eddie’s fault.
I had this really screwed up dream last night, and it’s most definately his fault.
You see, last night we sat down to watch Raw, Eddie’s little standup movie from ’86… The wife had never seen it, and I had, and somehow I managed to talk her into watching it with me. Those of you who have seen it, know it. Those of you who havent… rent it.
So, fast forward a couple of hours, and I’m crawling into bed, settling down for a good nights sleep… right? Nuh-uh. Seems my subconsious picked up a few tidbits from Eddie’s routine, and decided to have some fun with my sleep plans.
The dream started out fairly mundane… one of those surreal-esque dreams that makes just enough sense to feel ‘real’, with just enough ‘crazy ass dream things’ in it to keep it interesting.
Apparently I decided to take some college classes. So I find my currently 28 year old self attending class back at my middle school (!?). Where in the middle of class, I find myself in the middle of an intense round of flirtation with one of my professors. A cute little blond thing with an adorable face… no name that I can remember, and she didnt really resemble anyone I know outside of Dreamville.
Of course, being the happily married man that I am, this would never progress very far in real life. However, my Eddie injected subconsious remembers “All men cheat, it’s a man thing” and so, I find myself at her place. One thing leads to another, and before I realize it, we are definately in “depends on your defination of sex” territory; we’re on our way to “Wild crazy monkey sex”, but shit keeps happening to break the mood. (one time was abruptly stopped when a hurricane broke out in her bathroom.. thanks Dennis, like my subconsious REALLY needs any more help)… Okay.. whatever, it’s a dream, I can realize that based on the whole “Hurricane in the bathroom” thing alone. So rather then continue to fight off the advances of this mystery female in my dream, I decide “what the hell, its just a dream, lets make it a good one”.
Only regardless of how naked we are, or how close we are to.. erm… consumating the dream, so to speak, something keeps happening. Finally after a good dozen times of being worked up only not have that final satisfaction, I toss her off the recliner we’re in together, say “Fuck this”, and decide to leave her place and go home.
Only when I stand up to leave, she commands me to sit back down, and I do, even though I don’t want to. She hops up back into my lap, and proceeds to tell me that she has entrapped me with her pussy and I now her hypnotized man-slave. “Pussy is a trap, remember this guys” Oh yeah.. *thanks* Eddie. Suddenly feeling helpless and powerless, I find myself unable to so much as blink without her telling me to.
“First, I think I will pleasure myself using you”… which she does.. and it’s horrible. I mean.. I wont go into details as to how or why exactly, lets just say it was not a mutually pleasurable dream experience by any means. (Perhaps it was just the fear from not being able to move a muscle, or the fact that she got hers and then stopped, who knows.. I just remember feeling intense fear in said dream at this point)
“Hmpf” I mumble when she’s done, since even talking without her permission is unallowed by my wretched betraying dream body which is not listening to my mind.
“Oh, yes, what is it? You can speak.”
“Erm, so besides *that*, what other plans do you have for me?”
“Well, first you will rip up all the carpet in my house. Then you will paint every room, using a two-to-three color scheme I shall devise and change constantly while you are in the middle of said painting. Then we will go shopping, you shall by me ungodly expensive appliances, carry them here on your back, install them, and then rearrange my furniture around the entire place while I constantly change my mind about what will look good where. We better get started, thats just the plans for this weekend.”
“NOOOOOooOOOoOOoooOOOoo! Aieeeeeeeee!” I scream as I finally force myself awake face down in pillow, covered with sweat.
Told you pussy was a trap…Thanks alot Eddie. Really.. I mean that. Trecherous subconsious… Thank god it was just a dream…. or was it…